Vagabond Tales

Souvenirs

2007-10-17T03:16:00.000-07:00

by me

Souvenirs of violence
Beneath their cotton shirts
Smudges green and violet
Like fingerprints in dirt
Glimpses of the remnants
In desks lined up in rows
Souvenirs of violence
Beneath the children’s clothes

We all know the story well (please don’t tell)
It’s a family matter here (don’t you interfere)

Make-up thick around her eyes
Where skin is stretched and bruised
Cotton batten taped to flesh
To hide an open wound
Long dark locks tied in a bun
To hide the missing hairs
A graceful limp with face turned low
From falling down the stairs

We all know the story well (please don’t tell)
It’s a family matter here (please don’t interfere)

A Revision of An Old Poem

2007-10-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

are we nothing more than energy and empty space?*
an evolved form of lightening and dust?
-----(I love you because you do not seem to care)
innocent of the quantum leaps of quantum science, you say
"emotion is the highest form of currency”
-----(if that were true, I could buy you anything - love is change)
no, love is chemicals, and tears(?)**
-----(what are tears but chemical?)
only saline solutions for problems of the heart
-----(solutions and symptoms - answers and questions)
but the answers are questions too
begging silence to be found in the space of two breaths***

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Nothing but lightening and dust.

----------------------------------------------

1. Scientific American, August 2003. “Information in the Holographic Universe”, Jacob D. Bekenstein. See also- “Holographic Paradigm”.

2. “Science of Love – Cupid’s Chemistry”, Claire McLoughlin http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HTML/articles/article/clairemcloughlincolumn1.htm

3. “So with each breath you are dying and being reborn. The gap between the two is of a very short duration, but keen, sincere observation and attention will make you feel the gap. If you can feel the gap, you have got a glimpse of the witness, the sakshi within you. With practice you can expand the gap and experience profound silence.” – Osho, The Book of Secrets (1977)
Note: sakshi – noun (lit.) witness

A Quick Short Story by Clayton Dean

2007-10-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Jane,

Except for the fact that it was New Year’s Eve, last night was just like so many of our nights together; spent in near-silent companionship, so much going unsaid in order to maintain our effortless, and therefore seemingly preordained, course toward Love.

These nights started out as animated conversations in the coffee shops and diners that can be found in regular intervals along Whyte Ave. Really, they were all the same but in those early days we agonized over which one we would visit each time we met at the Safeway parking lot. Usually, the decision was differed until a pause in the conversation became uncomfortable and you would indicate one of the indistinguishable facades with feigned exuberance, “Oh, I haven’t been there in ages. Their hummus is the best.”

Invariably, I would order a coffee and a pitcher of water. You would respond that you felt like having iced tea tonight, as coffee no longer seemed to agree with your stomach. Not once did either of us presume to order for the other. It seemed understood that this was a boundary that must be respected regardless of the regularity of our meetings or the consistency of our orders. Eventually, a few of the servers at our more frequented establishments took the leap of faith that we could not and began bringing our drink order to the table without as much as a questioning glance in our direction. We never had to send anything back on these occasions.

I don’t remember how long these dinners went on but I do remember that it was you who was first to break the pattern by suggesting that we eat dinner at your apartment.

Apparently, you had a new recipe that you wanted to try out on me. I cordially accepted and walked over your threshold for the first time bearing the customary bottle of red wine. I had chosen a bottle of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon that had been suggested as the perfect accompaniment to the cheese-heavy vegetarian pasta you had tempted me with.

The clerk at the wine shop looked like he was probably a freshman at the University. Most likely a Philosophy or Political Sciences major by the style of his glasses and his air of affected superiority. I like the type as a casual acquaintance though I have never wished to lead a life as full of doubt as they often seem to. I always like to picture them after twenty or so more years when they will be more like the rest of us. Tired of searching for all the answers to their ‘essential human questions’, they will slowly begin to accept the inertia of employment and social obligation and succumb to the process of spiritual domestication that the more pragmatic of us sidestep by making prudent decisions early on.

That first evening must have been a success, as it became the new template for our evenings together. We would meet at the door of one of our apartments, listen to ambient jazz or trip-hop while we ate our meal and drank our wine, and then retire to the comfortable furniture and talk. One evening, during a particularly stilted conversation about an independent art exhibit you had recently seen reviewed in one of the free weeklies, one that I had little interest in attending, you suggested a movie. It was one that I had seen before but I acceded out of a non-distinct desire for effortless comfort.

At some point during that first movie I found that you had leaned your head delicately upon my shoulder. I moved my hand from my own thigh to yours and it seemed as though your head slowly gained in mass as you relaxed more fully against me. This was to be the first of many shared positions that we found for watching the movies that were integral to our evenings together from that night on. Evenings and positions that both grew more intimate over time, stretching into mornings and shared morning meals.

It was during this time that the frequency of our evenings increased with the slow progress we had both come to expect and grown comfortable with. Twice weekly dinners became three and then four.

Then, in mid-October, you spent the weekend. It hadn’t been planned by any means, but it occurred nonetheless; another inertial decision. We awoke on Saturday in the late morning and stayed in bed until the sun was beginning to slide down behind the apartment buildings in the East. I got up first and made a simple meal. You came out of the bedroom when I called down the hall that it was ready, wearing one of my long-sleeved, collared shirts. Nothing else. The meal was eaten cold about an hour later. It was one of our few lapses into true spontaneity and we celebrated with our first consecutive sleepovers.

You met my parents in November when I took you out to their farm. It wasn’t only my parents of course, but my brothers, sisters, and various members of the extended clan. It was my mother, though, who took to you immediately. The two of you spent almost the entire day holed-up in her sewing room going over patterns and fabric samples. I offered my apologies in the car on the way back to the city but you insisted you’d had a good time. I’d had no idea you had an interest in tailoring, nor that you actually owned your own sewing machine. This was about seven months after we’d met. It no longer seems odd that it had never come up.

The next few months progressed as those particular months will. It got colder, the snow got deep and The Holidays passed. We spent Christmas together, dividing our time between your family and mine and being steeped in the possibilities of our situation by both blood lines. Marriage? Children? It occurred to me for the first time that perhaps you had been thinking about these things as well, though you had never broached the subjects candidly. My father even went so far as to take me aside one night after we had shared the better part of a bottle of Bacardi’s white rum, me listening to his stories as always, and showed me his mother’s engagement ring. As he tilted it to catch the light he asked if I thought it would suit your taste in jewelry.

I shrugged. I had no idea.

We are good together.

Yes, good.

We don’t fight. We like a lot of the same music and movies and can each tolerate the other’s selections which do not overlap with our own. We enjoy the same food and desire sex with roughly the same frequency. But it all seems too simple.

Maybe I’m wrong about those philosophical types and their ‘essential human questions’, I don’t really know. I am sure that I don’t want inertia to determine my way through life. I want a little anxiety. I want a little doubt. I want a little passion. It’s time for me to leave the apartments again and see beyond the limited stage of experience we have built for ourselves. Our cocoon.

If you’re bored, too, come and find me in the new year.

Sincerely,
John

Callous

2007-09-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have been called Callous
for burning bonds and bridges
without wincing
and for holding all flames
at an arms length
-so afraid of ashes-

thick skinned
like a player
of strings
my Fingertips no longer bleed
but blisters grow fat with sap
-tears without ducts-

Yo-Yo

2007-07-04T07:25:00.001-07:00

Clay

Ganghwado - First Day

2007-05-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

Got back on Saturday night from a little exursion out to Ganghwa Island (Do) in the West Sea. It was fun. I went out there with my friend Tracy (I'm sure you've seen her in pics) planning to camp , but the weather turned on us the first day and that part of our plan never recovered. We ended up staying two nights in the Hyatt Motel in Ganhwa-eup which was actually a decent room for $35 a night.

Anyway, it was raining when we got there and so we decided to get the room and then walk to the History Hall which was supposed to be pretty close. So I toss on my raincoat and grab my umbrella and I'm ready to go. Unfortunately, Tracy has brought neither a poncho nor an umbrella. We try to share, but there's not really room for us both so I give up and let her have the umbrella (I did, afterall, have a raincoat on, right?) Yeah, a raincoat that comes to your belt is a raincatcher. It makes sure that every single square inch of material south of it's hemline is going to be wet. Really wet.

So I'm wet. I'm wet and it's still raining and Tracy is still relatively dry. I mean she's damp around the edges but my shoes are full of the water that is by now running in rivulets down my calves. We are (not surprisingly if you've evcer gone anywhere in the company of Tracy and myself) lost. We have a map. It is raining so, of course, Tracy has the map (she does, afterall have the umbrella). The map becomes soaked and begins to disintegrate as if it were made of sugar.

We end up walking probably two km in the rain. On sidewalks and on the edge of streets and highways where there is no thought apparent about pedestrian traffic. Every two minutes or so Tracy manages to whack me about the head and shoulders with my umbrella. We get there. We pay. We go in and walk around and look out from the ramparts into the rain. It looks quite like the rain we've been looking at for the last half hour or so except that because this rain is falling on the sea instead of on the city streets there is less to see. We climb to the second floor of a gazebo which provides a repite from the downpour and a higher vantage point from which to view the rain. We decide to skip viewing the rain through the mounted binoculars and go inside the museum.

The museum is interesting in the way that small, poorly funded, poorly translated museums are interesting. That is, in pointing out the discrepencies and inconsistencies in and among the different displays and plaques. There was a big bell and some cool weaving and a kind of wood block printing system I would have liked to see hands-on. And loads of patriotic tripe about this and that battle against foriegn invasion forces, French, American, Mongolian and Japanese. Not in that order I suppose..... At this point Tracy points out that she had no idea that her country had been attacking Korea in the late 1800s. I admit that I too was ignorant of this fact. We agree that it was probably for a dumb reason and go back outside to call a cab.

We got the cabbie to stop at the place that was like HomePlus but not and bought Ramen. MMMMMmmm, Ramen.

A While

2007-05-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
I haven't written here for a while, I know. I just haven't been in the mood for it I guess. Plus I'm on Facebook and Myspace now so I have a lot of contact with people back home through there.

Anyway, life is good. Still teaching away and having a fairly good time most days. I'm still not sure when my vacation days are going to be but I've applied for a contract extention and it's looking good. My VP seemed surprised. Could be that I don't put off a really happy persona in the office but I think that's forgivable due to the fact that I still haven't learned much Korean.

Could also be that I have given up on the school lunches and am now packing a bag lunch. I think this may have insulted him a little, or maybe he's just super worried that I'm not eating enough (if it's not hot, Koreans don't consider it a meal). He seemed appalled when I showed him my peanut butter sandwhich the other day. Oh well, rice, soup and sidesevery weekday for eight months was long enough. I might go back to it in a while but for now it's gonna be PB+J, yogurt, fruit, and granola bars.

I found a melon that I really like too. I am calling them Canary Melons because they are bright yellow and I think I once saw something similar in IGA with that name. The are awesome. Like a one person version of a honeydew. MMMMmmm. I love trying fruit I've never had before.

I was on the team for the Elementary teachers' volleyball tournament too. I was not too bad but the Korean teachers all made a really big deal of it whenever I managed to do anything. It was weird. I felt like the slow kid in Gym class because of all the lame positive reinforcment. We won a few games but ultimately failed to advance beyond the district level. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

The Korean teachers keep bugging me to bring in my guitar and play for the classes. I have already played for a few of my favorite classes but am not too keen on doing it for all of them. Stage fright, plain orneriness, who knows why? But, I found out recently that one of the Korean teachers also plays, so I told her that if she plays so will I. She will not. I might anyway, we'll see.

Uhm.....

That's all I guess. Not too exciting, just the everyday thrill and disorientation of living in a place where logic often seems either lost in translation or completely non-existant.

Bones are to dogs as carrots are to...

2007-04-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

Spinach
a catalyst for an afternoon of herbivorous existence
hopping with kin between rows of
rich
green
sustenance
nibbling with teeth
ill designed for such grazing

My brother’s
failed attempts to wiggle his nose
in a fashion that suited our purposes
manifested
as the flaring nostrils of
a predator
and so he became one
in our world -
a source of feigned fear that
did not fail
to quicken the pulse
of uncertain small mammals

My mother played her role as well
- the gardener -
stepping out onto the front porch
hollering across the uncut grass
of her domain
kneeling in the loose black earth
horrified to find
that we
- blameless in our anamorphic state –
had uprooted the juvenile carrots
to satisfy our childish understanding

Rabbits require carrots after all

Barren

2007-04-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

Inspired by an Evangelist taxman
I have mustered seeds of faith1
And planted them at the base of mountains
But nothing moves

Faith cannot thrive in shadowed, stony soil,
Saturated by the salt of the earth2 -
Coarse grains trodden upon by fine men
In the name of God

1Matthew 17:20 http://bible.cc/matthew/17-20.htm
2Matthew 5:13 http://bible.cc/matthew/5-13.htm

Watch the Kitty Bounce / Fling Poop

2007-03-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

Kitten Cannon

http://www.addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html

Super Monkey Poop Fight

http://www.addictinggames.com/supermonkeypoopflinging.html

Yes, I am twelve years old and no, I have nothing better to do with my time.

2007-03-27T15:58:00.001-07:00

You Are 82% Evil

You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

Tracy Herzog Interview

2007-03-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

1. I define my life in periods. If you could go back to one period of your life and stay there for all eternity, where would you go back to, and why?

This question goes against all of my philosophies about how one should lead their life. I think very strongly that one should look forward with a hope that the future is where the greatest happiness lays. However, as I said I would answer any questions that were asked, I will set aside this perspective and attempt to answer this one to the best of my ability.

I would choose to live my life in a place of limbo, so that narrows it down to childhood, High School, my time in New Zealand, my time in University and this past summer in British Columbia. Not that narrow of a field I suppose.

High School sucked. No need to be eloquent here. I think back in fondness only of the times I spent with my friends outside of those thirty hours a week.

Next I will excise New Zealand. I do this because during that time I was unhappy. I was having a really great time with someone I still consider one of my foremost companions (even at this distance) but I wasn’t in a good head space.

Now, I will discard childhood as an option. I had a wonderful childhood. There are, however, limitations in childhood that, while allowing freedom from responsibility, I find oppressive from the perspective I have at this time.

Finally, I wish to unite the periods of University and the summer following my graduation as a matter of course. They both lead from the same place and were initiated with the same spirit in mind. I find, however, that this isn’t possible for reasons that would be obvious to any of my friends from that time in my life. Schisms occurred between the two periods which cannot be reconciled even in this hypothetical arena.

So I choose University. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life. I had a strong, beautiful, intelligent partner who could make me laugh and cry, I had great friends and roommates who could talk with me about anything from Smurfs to Descartes, and I was living my life to expand my academic knowledge and my social understanding. On top of all these things I was free of many of the day to day obligations I find so taxing in ‘real life’.

In essence, I was at home in a way I haven’t known since childhood. I had gathered a new family while still maintaining my original one.

2. I am giving you an Aveo with a gas tank that is always magically full, 1 of the 12 CDs your friend recently sent you (your choice), and 30 days in one country of your choice that you have never been to before. you may fill the car with as many or few people as you want to take with you, but keep in mind it's a standard, 5 person fits safely into it car. What will you do and where will you go? Who do you bring and why would you choose them?

I would take Michael, my friend from Edmonton and we would do a coast to coast Canada trip. I realize you stated a country I’ve never been to before but considering I’ve only ben to three of the provinces I think it would be well worth the effort.

I’m not a plan oriented type person so I think that I’d like to just head east and see what develops but there are a few things in each Province I’d like to see or do. Considering that the Trans Canada Highway is 7821 kilometers long and so would take approximately 78.5 hrs to drive non-stop, easily done in less than a week, we would have plenty of time to do side tours.

I would hope to fit in a number of campouts, some farmer’s markets, maybe some fishing and, of course, a few bar nights. We would have to eat some Saskatoon pie in Saskatchewan. Manitoba would be all about heading North to see lakes like Lake Winnipeg and Lake Manitoba. Ontario would involve checking out some hikes in the Shield and I’d like to see Manitoulin Island (the largest lake-isle in the world). Oh, and maybe go to Ottawa to put up a few protest signs. We’d spend some extra time in Quebec because Michael speaks French and I would want to sample the bagels, maple syrup and smoked meat in Montreal. New Brunswick, Reversing Falls on the St. John River. Cabot Trail in Nova Scotia. Screech and hopefully Gyn’s cousin in Newfoundland. And I’d want to go cod fishing in a dory.

3. What is the finest, most personally satisfying moment in your life so far? Describe in detail.

I’ve tried. I can’t answer this question. I can think of too many examples that I wouldn’t trade away. Sorry.

4. If you could have mad skillz in one activity/hobby/profession, what would it be and why (such as, mad b-boy skillz, mad DDR skillz, mad Pimp skillz, etc)?

I would write.

I would do this because I love literature and think that this discipline is one of the greatest that can be found in the myriad talents of humanity. I also like the anonymity of an author. You create this thing and then you let it go out into the world to see what it becomes under the gaze of others.

Music is in there too somewhere but my foremost passion is in words.

5. Because I am a fan of High Fidelity (and my fake boyfriend John Cusack) what are your top 5 albums, and what significance have they had for you (silly or serious, of course)?

Nirvana/MTV Unplugged – I don’t think the effect of this album on my adolescence could be overstated. In other words, it had as much of an effect as I think any other single piece of pop culture ever has had on me. I loved it. I didn’t sympathize with Curt Cobain in the way that many people describe their experience of this album, I just loved the lyrics and how the made me feel. It was okay to be sad. It was okay to let out anger and apathy in words.

A lot of my early writing (which, although viewed in hindsight as hugely flawed, led to what I write now) was set free by the discoveries I made listening to those songs.

A Perfect Circle/Thirteenth Step – This album is amazing. There is nothing else like it that I have ever encountered; including the other albums by the same band or the offerings of Maynard’s other group, Tool. The feel of this album is what gives it its strength; the overwhelming atmosphere that develops when you listen to it. It takes you from anger and revulsion to the quaintness of child-like infatuation. The lyrics are fundamentally exquisite.

And it entered my life at a time of rebirth and so became a symbol of that.

Metallica/…And Justice for All – Power, that’s why. This is one of the albums I listened to when I was learning to write college level papers in the library at Grant MacEwan (Among many other, earlier times). I kept rhythm to this frenetic orchestra for hours my first semester, oblivious the unavoidable and sometimes annoyed glances of my fellow students. More than once I was approached in the hall or in the campus pub and asked, “You’re the guy that’s always head-banging in the LRC, right?”

I can’t explain it any better than that. It’s Metallica.

Leonard Cohen/Best of 1975 – Great poetry, unforgettable characters and awkwardly perfect moments. That fact that Leonard Cohen cannot sing well within the standard definition of that word makes it all that much better. I’ve spent hours in bed listening to this album and, alone or not, it always makes me feel a little more disgraced for not being what I want to be. I like that.

It reminds me of my failings and drives me to rectify them.

Counting Crows/August and Everything After – It’s an amalgam of beauty and sadness distilled in a way that is normally only found in the understanding of one’s own life. It takes me to a good place and always has. Actually, it has gathered additional lucid destinations as I have shared it with others and I enjoy it all the more for that. It carries me to the past and reminds me of was has passed. I can commiserate with it, as one must to appreciate it.

It makes me happy in a sad way.

Words Everyone Should Know - #1

2007-03-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

A New Feature

defenestrate
verb
throw through or out of the window; "The rebels stormed the palace and defenestrated the President"

or

"I threatened to defenestrate one of the little bastards in my class today. My co-teacher looked shocked when I asked her to translate for me."

3 Libras / A Perfect Circle

2007-03-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

"Up until the mid twentieth century the mountain gorilla was considered a myth. Oddly enough, a legend not unlike bigfoot or the loch ness monster. The chance of actually seeing/experiencing this elusive shadow was as likely as finding ones soulmate.

Rare.

Precious.

Even once discovered they seemed unapproachable. The only way to get close to this magnificent creature was to become empathetic. Abandon all pretense and preconceptions.To bare an open throat. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability.

All but extinct, these beings/moments are threatened by the black hearted.The cold and oblivious. The empty eyed profit seekers that overlook these

Rare

Precious

Moments." - Maynard James Keenan

Lyrics

Threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
down among a million same.

Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me.

But i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.

Cause I threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
Oh well.
Apparently nothing.
You don't see me.
You don't see me at all.

Questions For Mister Clay

2007-03-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

Which of your personality traits do you like the best and why? Which of your physical traits?

I like my eclectic interests because it they allow me to be able to take part in or start conversations with just about anyone. Also, I am happy for my ability to disarm most of the people whom I find interesting so that I can learn more about them. I like it when people's guards are down. Oh, and I think I'm funny.

Physical is harder because I perceive myself as pretty all-around average. But I do like the color of my eyes and the shape of my jaw so I’ll say those two.

Of the seven deadly sins, which do you commit the most often? And which would you like to commit more? (and nothing like, I don’t believe in the seven deadly sins or anything like that, please)

In order of most commonly committed to least commonly committed I would suggest that my seven deadly sins would appear thus. Sloth, gluttony, lust, pride, greed, and wrath.

It’s difficult to say which one I would like to commit more but lust and pride are the two that I think appeal to me the most, so one of them certainly. This also seems fitting because in the order I have placed the seven these are the first two that appear which I don’t think are inherently undesirable in a majority of situations.

Who is the most intimidating person you know? Why do they intimidate you?

I will have to generalize on this one because in all honesty it is more a type of person than any one individual. Still, I hope you find my answer satisfying.

I find that the most intimidating people in the world for me are beautiful, open, self-confident women. I’m not talking about women who make themselves look good with make-up and clothes (as our society seems to demand) and walk around with a sense of superiority. There is little to be intimidated by in someone who wears a mask and thinks they’re better than they are. So too, in those who wear the mask to cover up their own self doubt.

What I mean is a naturally beautiful woman who knows that she is and doesn’t seek the approval of others by sacrificing personal style. I know this might sound odd. Like, “What, you’re scared of women?” But really, what’s any guy going to do that can compare to the way a woman like that can get into my head?

It’s also odd because these are exactly the type of people I find myself most drawn too and who I like to spend my time with, but again, I think that’s where a lot of the intimidation factor comes from. What it really comes down to is that at this point in my life I value my freedom above all other things and I truly believe that the only kind of person that could make me consider giving up that freedom (perhaps to regret it later, perhaps not) is a woman of this type.

Of course, this opens up a whole bunch of questions about regrets and alteration of life goals due to circumstance and developments but you didn’t ask me to explain my explanation so I’ll leave it at that.

If you could go see a movie and then have coffee with any person from history, who would you go to the movie with, what would you see, and what coffee would you order? And of course for all those, why?

Well, I will suppose that in this hypothetical situation I can assume that the person can speak and understand English so that I could actually talk to them about stuff so I won’t let that issue hamper my decision.
I think I would meet up with Leonardo da Vinci to watch and discuss “What the Bleep Do We Know?!”.

I choose Leo because it seems like he was one of the most intelligent and eclectically talented people in history. His interests and abilities covered the spectrum of human thought and expression. I chose “What the Bleep…” because I think it’s a movie that someone like da Vinci could appreciate as a means to stimulate discussion.

I would order café mocha because that’s what I always order.

Runners up…Ralph Waldo Emerson (Waking Life), Shakespeare (Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind), Nietzsche (Waking Life).

Describe your best day (either real or imagined/potential) using all five senses.

Potential

I wake and the first thing I become aware of as I surface from the world of dreams, before the sunlight warming the backs of my legs or the breeze from the open window tickling across my naked back and shoulders, is her presence. It has only been a few days and I am still surprised, upon awakening, to find her here beside me. You get used to waking up alone after enough time. At first it’s just the vague awareness that it is not a mass of knotted bedding curled up under my arm. Then the external warmth there, the gentle, steady rhythm of breath that leads my mind slowly back along neural pathways toward freshly stored images of last night. I smell the incense that we burned, the wax. I taste the post-coital cigarettes clinging to my throat and tongue. It was a night of combustion. All that potential energy released as heat and light.

I don’t move. It’s been too long since I woke like this and I want to savor every moment. She stirs slightly, turning toward me, disturbed perhaps by dreams, and I too turn my head slightly to look at the visible fragments of her face. The rest obscured by pillow, bedclothes and what seems an inordinate amount of auburn hair. I breathe in the scent of her body as it is released by the movement of the sheet in which she has cocooned herself. She smells of sweat and vanilla. Of course, only one of these is natural. The other is ritually applied every evening after she comes into the bedroom, still dripping from the shower. St. Ives. This thought fires reflexive neurons and I reach out, nearly unconscious, and slowly slide my hand between the sheet and her skin. Both are smooth, soft, and warm but my sensitive palm and erogenous digits, of course, are meeting her supple flesh, leaving my duller-witted knuckles and the ungracious back of my hand to caress the lesser glory of the white linen (like wing men duly taking one for the team).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps an hour later I am on the veranda in the sun, slowly turning pages on a novel I have heard the name of umpteen times in the last year, all in passing conversations with friends and acquaintances. I have not once heard it referred to on television or seen a review in a magazine or a newspaper. It is as good as I have been told it would be. It has drawn me in and created another world, one of escape. Looking up as I reach to take another sip of my solid, heavy mug of joe I survey the view from where I sit consider, “Of course, this is just as much a world of escape for me as any book will ever be.”

The surf comes in as always, rhythmically. It keeps perfect time in its disciplined effort to gain a foothold on the sand. Column after column of water surges forth in a spray of saline droplets only to be repelled in its assault by gravity and the inertia of such an expansive territory. Once in a while a frond of seaweed, a coconut, or other, more unnatural flotsam appears on the front, unwanted; another collateral victim.

I sometimes think of myself reflected in those bits of refuse when I am feeling fatalistic or melodramatic. After all, here I am on the shore of some foreign land, unable to either gain any real berth in this new region or to navigate my way back from whence I came. Even if I did find myself washed up on my native shores I would likely find them as strange as these, and as difficult to settle.

Disturbed by this thought I close my book, set it down next to my chair and down the remaining coffee in my cup. It has gone cold and seems to have taken on a new density. It coats my roof of my mouth and my throat as a swallow. I can feel it in spreading in my empty stomach as the small bumps on the back of my tongue send impulses to my brain that tell of bitterness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is late afternoon and I look down across a long valley full of thousands upon thousands of unfamiliar but apparently deciduous trees. As this thought drifts away across the open air I realize that here, all trees are evergreens. The thought makes me happy but slightly nostalgic as I breathe deeply the scent of these strange species and rich, foreign soil. In this humidity, with the perpetual warmth of equatorial existence, it is easy to miss snow.

There are birds in those trees as well, not that I can see them. At least seven different calls can be heard from all directions. I choose a long drawn out warble in the upper registers as my favorite. It sounds like the noise a pie-plate UFO might make, as it’s monochromic form hovers over a secluded farmhouse, cornfields stretching out in all directions. The image makes me smile but soon another call, this one short and sharp brings me back into the world.

I have spent the last four hours hunching forward toward this view, fighting through dense underbrush, and I take it all in with a remembrance of that struggle. The sea is behind me now, over at least two ridges and I know that I only have a few moments if I am going to get back to my kitchen before darkness descends. This is important because I have no flashlight and the path I took to get here is really not much more than an idea. You can find paths like this on any mountain, any secluded area really, but most people don’t know how to look for them. They look out and up across the distance at some patch of ground where they would love to be but there is no sidewalk, boardwalk, or even a simple marked trail for them to follow so they file it away as unreachable and continue on their way, their footsteps overlaying those of thousands who came before.

Again, I smile. Slowly getting to my feet I feel the returning freshness in my legs and know that by the time I get home it will be gone. I’ll be tired, maybe even sore tomorrow, but, talking one last look around, it will have been worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am in my kitchen with steam rising in front of me. It carries fragrant vapors into the air where they mingle into unknown recipes and float around the room. It’s almost ready. I step to my right, set down the glistening chrome spoon and wrap my hand around the ergonomic handle of my knife. I pick up a green capsicum and make a circular incision around its stem before tipping it upside down above my leavings bowl to shake out the seeds. I love that smell.

I cut it into halves and then quarters, each mathematic procedure registers with a satisfying crunch and the augmentation of aroma. I pick up one of these four pieces and take a bite off a corner. My mouth, awoken into anticipation by the intelligence gathered by its olfactory counterpart, rushes to dispatch reports of sensation to my brain. I put down the bit of shiny green flesh, stir the noodles with the shiny spoon, and continue to do my culinary arithmetic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The stars. My god, the stars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I lay with my head upon my pillow, numb in that way that presages sleep. I can hear the shower against the wall and imagine her movements. She is soaping her face in tiny circles with her fingertips. She is pouring thick glistening liquid into a spreading pool in her palm. She is rinsing her hair, water running in courses down her back and jumping in a small waterfall from her chin. I hear the water stop, reality taking less time than my reverie to make her clean, and the glass of the shower door tap gently on the wall. The bathroom door opens and I hear a light switch click. Her footfalls, almost too soft for me to hear, move closer until they stop at the open entrance into the bedroom. She probably thinks I’m sleep. Asleep with the light on. She flicks this switch too. The gray-pink of my world goes darker, becoming near black. Soon I smell vanilla. I dream.

Questions for Kristin

2007-03-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

Hi. Sorry, I'm in a serious mood so you get hard questions. It's 3:oo a.m. and I'm listening to Thelonius Monk.

1. I believe that you believe in God. If you could ask God one question what would it be?

2. All sweddles rint in borts and frong salatas, and all breemers jont in hasues and bintle forcaws. Keep in mind that both sweddles and breemers are tunoks. Forcaws frong salatas and jont in hasues. Salatas fintor singoreins and rint in borts. Yousents are not tunoks but some of them do rint in borts and frong salatas while other yousents jont in hasues and bintle forcaws. There are also a small group of yousents that forgo the fronging of salatas and the bintling of forcaws so that they can bundin grinticins. Grinticins are tunoks and bintle in borts.

Given this information, which statement(s) is/are false?

You cannot rint in a bort if you jont in a hasue.
If you are a tunok you must either rint, jont or bintle.
No defined tunoks bundin or fintor.
Forcaws and salatas may be tunoks.
No group bintles what another frongs.
Salatas are only fronged.
Only one group bintles where others rint.
Hasues are only jonted in.
More groups rint in borts than bintle in borts.

3. If you could meet any animated character in their place and time who would you visit and why?

4. What's better, having what you want or believing that you can get it?

5. Two part question.
A: What your favorite memory?
B: If you could go back to that point in time, and live your life from that point knowing what you know now, would you?

Interview Me! I'll Reciprocate.

2007-03-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

This is stolen from Cleverfox through Rednecked Rabbit (my sis).

01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.

03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.

04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.I will alter this and say you may instead ask me 5 questions yourself if you don't wish to be interviewed. In this case, just post your questions in the comments. I will answer them here.

Questions for Clayton from Rednecked Rabbit:

1. We come from a family of homebodies. What do you think made you want to pick up and vagabond around the world?

Um, I've thought about this a lot and it seems to have started with the volumes of National Geographics, Equinox, and other magazines of the type that were available to us in our childhood both in our own home as well as at Grandma's. I've always been struck by the differences around the world in all the spheres of natural geography and human culture. Books like Amazing Place and Forgotten Realms served to enhance this interest.

Secondly, I think that the freedom of my childhood and adolescence gave me a real independence that I've been eager to test in various ways. Travel seems like a natural extension of that.

Also, I've found that through the literature I've absorbed and any kind of philosophizing I've done on my own it has become apparent to me that it is of the utmost importance for a person to follow their own path in life, whatever it is, and not to diverge from that path in an attempt to capitulate to the desires of others. I wanted to go, so I did. Not that anyone tried to stop me from going but I could have easily stopped myself if I had been more concerned with the effect my absence might have on others. If that makes sense? Maybe it sounds selfish. I don't know.

Finally, I think that with my sense of independence comes an ability to carry 'home' within myself. I'm at home here even if it's a different home than I've had before. I was at home in New Zealand, in B.C., and on the buses around Kyoto. It's just where I am. Of course, it helps that I come from a family made up primarily of, as you say, homebodies. This gives me a sense of security in that I know I can return to find things unchanged in a majority of ways. Fred and Judy will live down the road from Uncle Pat and Laurie and, in turn, they will remain just a short drive from Mom and Dad, at least for some time to come. Schuman Lake will always be there and so will Holmes Crossing, Moose Wallow as well as a plethora of other well remembered places.

Also, I'd like to point out that I am not currently vagabonding. I live in an apartment and have a job. I pay bills and have daily access to a full wardrobe. I won't be vagabonding till I pay off my student loans.

2. What's your favourite childhood memory?

I was hoping that you would not return this question to me. But, since you did...

I think the hours and days spent wandering around in the creek bottom at Grandma's house and along the creek at home and just the general freedom to explore that we had as kids (thanks to our wonderful parents). Building rafts out of palettes and Styrofoam to float in the dugout. Snowshoeing over to Mack's to sled. Riding our bikes for kilometers every summer. Days at Schuman. Fishing for pike with Pat and Grandma. All of that stuff. Oh, and lately I have been thinking a lot about the Sundays spent with Fred and Judy and how important those were to the person I became... I have images of paper finger-puppet apostles that I love. I don't know how old I was.

I really couldn't have asked for anything more. Love and freedom.

3. What's the best thing you've done in Korea so far? What do you want to do most now?

I have met people here that are amazing and done some amazing (and shocking) things with them. It's hard to single any one thing out. Maybe just say the hikes I've done? I really don't know. Probably just the people I've met and the time I've spent getting to know them.

What I want to do is get out from under my student loans and then go travel. I want to do Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam next, maybe Laos and India. Then, if I'm not feeling too old I want to go teach and travel for a bit in South America. Maybe then do some more in Eastern Europe and do the trans-Siberian. That's what's in my head right now but things could change. I'll want to come home for a few stretches too. Teach high school English for a few years and maybe try and publish something. Plans change though. Maybe I'll just come home, get married and start breeding. Doubt it though. Not for a while.

4. Who's your favourite author and why?

I have to say that Leonard Cohen is still my favorite writer. Honestly, I've read both of his novels and I didn't find them to be anything spectacular. In fact, they were kind of run-of-the-mill and I won't read them again. His poetry, however, really changed the way that I thought about poetics and honest writing. He has a nakedness to his work that is so touching. There isn't that grandiose posturing that so many authors try to pass off as honesty or the use of obscure allusions or twisted metaphors that plague a lot of poems and act only to put them and the entire form out of the reach of the 'escapist' reader.

Also, I admire his distillation of emotion. Each poem (at least generally) that he writes conveys a single emotion that is identifiable to the reader. He doesn't vacillate or confuse. It's just there on the page in simplicity. I like that.

5. What would you like me to send you in your next care package?

Uhm, Speed stick deodorant, (sing it with me) "by Men-nen". In Glacier, Ocean Surf or Aqua Sport. That would be fanta-'stic'. He he. I'm lame. But seriously, it's coming on summer and I'm down to my last two. Korean deodorant is not up to my discerning standards.

Other than that I honestly can't think of anything that I am missing unless you can devise a way to ship a hug.

Or cash. Cash is always good. Nothing smaller than a twenty. You've gotta watch the weight on the package.

Missing

2007-02-28T06:41:00.000-08:00

I stand here like a scarecrow
feeling like a lion
wishing for the Tin Man's malady

- Clayton Dean

In Mourning For A Friend

2007-02-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

sometimes life is hard
and you turn inside
and dig so deep
that you can't find a way back into the world

trapped
wrapped in the web of remembered episodes
that you've tried so hard to understand

but finding nothing that has not always been there
you fail to make connections

there's no where left to go

-Clayton Dean

Scribbled Notes From My Japan Excursion

2007-02-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

Ten Entries

1. Got the last ticket on the 259 out of Seoul. The train left on time. I even had time for a blueberry muffin and an iced café mocha.

2. I woke up after Deajeon (?) and the man beside me and his newspaper have become a young woman and a book of Korean poetry.

3. Led to the shuttle bus by a friendly Korean girl.

4. I have not yet been awake for 12 hours and it feels like I’ve lived more than a full day in that time. I feel life coursing through my body in the vibrations of the ship that is carrying me into the night. Surrounded by strangers with no way to share with them me fear and excitement, I can see that they have some idea of my happiness but I wonder what they think of this scruffy foreigner among them. What is the story they create to explain my presence here? I am romanticizing of course. They pay me much less mind than that I’m sure. They probably guess rightly that I am an ESL teacher on a short vacation toward Japan. They probably care nothing about those things or much else in regards to me. I am surprised at the lack of English on the restaurant menu and in other places on board the ship. My experience with the dried fish has made me hesitant to point-to-order but, if it comes to that, I suppose I will have to. I’m sure there must be some one on board who could help me to order something but I’m not so hungry as yet to go searching. Perhaps I will try later on. I’m very glad this is an overnight voyage as I would not relish the thought of spending >12hrs on this boat awake. It has only been 2hrs since the boarding was opened and we’ve been underway for perhaps not more than 45 minutes. The entertainments are all in Korean and translated into Japanese so I am very happy that I thought to bring books and a deck of cards along in my pack. I am tempted to break out some soju in an effort to socialize but at the same time I’m not sure if that would be for the best. My room is quite nice due mainly to the fact that almost deserted. There appears to be accommodation for 12 people but so far it seems that there are only three of us assigned to that room. Simple yos (mats) laid on the floor with a pleather covered block of medium density foam for a pillow. The thin blanket provided will probably not be required (maybe as a pillow?) because the room at last check was heated to somewhere above 25 degrees. It’s interesting to note also that there are no deck chairs or furniture to speak of above deck. Perhaps this is due to the fact that this ship is used primarily for night voyages? It would be nice to sit outside and look at the stars if they make an appearance. I haven’t seen any for a long time.

5. I cannot help but laugh at the chair two tables away with one short leg and a fate that has put it in perpetual motion aboard this sea-going vessel. The potted plant downstairs waved all night, wishing it were aquatic.

Laying on my yo
The Ferry becomes a womb
Safe, I dream of life

A Poem - ABCB

2007-02-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

Looking through your eyes I see
The world in shades of gray
With nothing left to catch the eye
All beauty gone astray

A rose is nothing but a plant
A peacock but a bird
And through your ears it seems I hear
That love is but a word

Clayton Dean

Futon

2007-02-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

The gray fall morning falls
Upon your supine body
In light and shadow
Through Venetian blinds

I admire the curves your body lends
To those oh so ridged lines

And move in closer
To absorb the warmth your body lends
To that oh so frigid light

Clayton Dean

Freedom

2007-02-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

We flaunt the rules like deviants
Me, a school teacher, and you
With Emily Post upon your bookshelf

“Social conventions be damned” I say
If you can make me swear
And I can make you look at me (the way you do)
Then what of the world?
Let it alone so we need not be

Clayton Dean

One Night

2007-02-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

Caught in an emotive tapestry
I lay with you for hours

I remember no sleep

Only ages of half-conscious coitus
-Somnambulant syncopation

Clayton Dean

For You

2007-02-25T12:26:00.001-08:00

You don’t cry “Liar”
When I tell you I love you

-At least we have that

-by Clayton Dean

Paper Planes

2007-02-14T21:49:00.001-08:00

A poem by Femke Groen

frantically I fly
paper planes
all over your world
to find what you've
written between the lines

lines are hard
to follow into
thin air

where promises float
emptier still

A Further Response to Fear, Obligation and Regret

2007-02-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

On Fear

Other people do these things. What makes them more able than you or I?

On Community and Obligation

I say that we only have the responsibility for those who are not capable of taking care of themselves. Children should not be abandoned and the elderly should not be left to struggle to obtain food and clothing. These are the only obligations I believe that others have the right to expect from us. If you have children, they are your responsibility, no one else’s. You made a choice that led to their existence and it is up to you to see the consequences of your actions through. I realize that there is no choice involved in the inherent relationship with your parents but I can not reason why, if they saw you through your period of struggle in the beginning of your life, that you would not desire to do them same for them if you are able.

Communities are based on the idea that all members of that community wish to serve and gain benefit from that community. They are not static entities. People move in and out all the time for reasons that have little to do with ‘the good of the community’. A teacher, who one would be foolish to exclude as a member of a community, does not refrain from moving away to another location because they are a part of a certain population. They feel free to move on because it is likely that another person is just as eager to take their place as they may have once been to secure it.

I believe the idea of doing things for the good of the community comes from those individuals for whom doing things for others is a driving factor. There are people who really want nothing more than to do good in the world. Bless them, but don’t hold me to their standard. I help those whom I desire to help, just as they do. It is true that one may feel pressured into volunteering for the good of the whole but, again, it is that individual’s decision to do so or not. If she fears being ostracized from the group more than she fears the responsibility of putting in her time as a volunteer, she is likely to become a samaritan.

On Relationships and Compromise

Regret, resentment and living unfulfilled will undoubtedly cause more damage to a relationship than an honest attempt at reconciling the desires of those within the relationship. The bond between individuals is in a constant flux and it should be expected that things might change if both partners are to attain their goals. It is not always possible for two people to remain closely bound together while at the same time remaining free to chase their dreams. The question that many people face without realizing it is a simple one, “Would you rather hold your relationship in an unyielding grasp, thereby awakening the possibility it may collapse under its own weight, or allow it to transform into another form of connection from which you and the other person can still draw support?” Both responses take courage to implement but, in my experience, the laws of inertia tend to dictate the outcome in far too many instances.

On Regret

I believe that regret is part of the human condition. It is unavoidable in our lives. However, I also believe that it is controllable by looking at it objectively. First one must understand that there are two kinds of regret. One is to feel sorrow or remorse for an act perpetrated, a perceived fault, or a disappointment. The other is the reflection upon something lost. It may seem that these two definitions overlap and can easily be mistaken as having the same meaning. The differences become apparent only when one considers what it means for something to have been lost.

When a person makes a decision to hurt someone or to steal something and then later professes their regret they are speaking of the first type. They feel bad for having done that thing they did. This regret is useful in that it informs our future decisions and can help us to become the kind of people we wish we were already. To regret having made the decision to perform the act in the first place is the second type of regret. That decision is lost in time. You cannot go back and undo it. Especially, you cannot suppose to know what the outcomes may have been if you had chosen the other path. It is because of this impossibility that the second type is not of use to us. It cannot teach us anything or inform our future decisions because we, as entities subject to a temporal reality, will never face that exact decision again. It really comes down to regret of the consequences of an act (type 1) and regret of the act itself (type 2). One is worthwhile and the other is not.

A Note: Having learned all I know of the life and writing of Ayn Rand within the last half hour by reading portions of Wikipedia, I must say that it seems as though I am following her ideas about individual freedom and rational self-interest without having realized it. Yeah for friends who cite great minds in their blogs. I look forward to reading more.

A Response to "Fear"

2007-02-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

First, I must say that I admire the courage it takes to admit to one’s fears, let alone to profess that it is fear which has guided one’s life. I think that it too common a thing for individuals to simply shrug off the background motivations in their lives, of which fear is undoubtedly one, and simply accept their final decision as their true wish.

Take for example a man who wishes above all things to be a writer but, because he fears failure in this arena, he moves toward a more readily attainable goal such as becoming a copy editor. As time wears on he gets wrapped up in the roles that others put upon him as an editor, his passion for literature is worn away by tedious hours in front of text and he slowly loses interest even in his own writing.

I think it is likely that if one were to question him on his motivations after all this he would likely say that he was always interested in literature and that editing seemed to be a reasonable way to pursue that interest. While this seems to be the truth, it is not the whole truth. He had always been interested in literature but much more so on creating his own works than in pointing out and correcting deficiencies in the work of others. His fear of failure would likely be forgotten, or at least sufficiently suppressed as not to be explainable to others.

I think that in most cases individuals gravitate to explanations for their life choices that focus on the positive aspects of their intentions and not on the negative ones. One doesn’t say, “I did this because I was avoiding that.” Instead, she says, “I did this because I was drawn to that.” In reality, however, there is no living without fear for thoughtful individuals. By choosing one path you are neglecting another and it is, at least in part, fear that helps us to decide which way to travel. A man may choose to get married and have children because he wants to have a stable life full of loved ones and familial comfort. Another man may choose to get married and have children because he fears living a solitary existence and entering into old age alone. Could it not be said that these men are taking the same path for the same reasons, only placing the catalyst for their decision in seemingly separate realms?

In the end, we all do what we most want to do, be it taking control and responsibility for our own decisions and path through life or capitulating to the perceived will of others. It is we who dilute the truth of this by reasoning with motivations outside ourselves and saying things like, “my father would be hurt if I chose that path.” It is not in your power to hurt your father. It is within his power to accept his daughter’s choices and be happy for her in her pursuit of what truly matters to her. Likewise, it is within your power to accept that your father may choose to be hurt and go your own way regardless of this, doing so guilt free. By the same token, no matter how much we believe or wish it to be so, it is not in our power to make others happy. They must find their own happiness and not seek to gain it from our lives. The hard part for both parties is deciding what we fear more, the possibility of being estranged from a loved one or the loss of a person’s autonomy in choosing their own path, your own or another’s.

This may seem difficult to put into practice because of the relationships within families and the degree to which one member may hope for good things to come to another member. However, if one takes into account the desire of one family member for the happiness of the other one can see that this nurturing instinct would most efficiently be put to use in striving to guarantee that the other person is doing what they can to make themselves happy. It may hurt you to see your son living a materially poor existence but, if you consider that he is doing so in order to reach a goal for which he yearns, you should be able to find comfort in that. Perhaps even happiness.

It seems then, that each individual must consider a few things if they are to live without regret. First, each person should determine what it is that she wants more than anything else. If she could do anything short of the supernatural, what would it be? Then, one must ascertain what obstacles of frustration and loss may be encountered in the attainment or loss of that goal. Finally, one must then decide which they fear less, the trials of self-indulgence or the trials of acquiescence.

E-mail Excerpt

2007-02-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

February 6, 2007

I had a slightly magical evening of my own tonight. It was utterly surprising because it happened to be at the district workshop I was dreading. It ended up being an evening of Korean culture. We got to make Kim-chi, learn to play a chango (probably got that wrong), do a little calligraphy painting, put on the traditional Korean costumes, han-bok? (mine was a lovely little pink and pink number, I felt like a gay genie) and then eat a really quality Korean dinner including lotus root.

Sadly, as I was anticipating an evening of lectures and water-torture, I did not take my camera and will have to wait for someone to email pictures before I can display the glory that is me in neck to ankle pink. (now available on Flickr)

Honestly, I could not help but dance a little bit when I was wearing the costume. I just felt that it was 'perform, or feel like you belong in this thing'. We all had a good laugh.

Story On Demand

2007-02-13T01:04:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I went out with a friend to this little Korean hof and ordered a pitcher of beer. As is the custom here they asked that we also get some food. Between the two of us we might be able to sound out the Korean alphabet in under a half hour so we figured the point and pick method would be our best bet. It turned out all wrong. So wrong. We ended up with this lovely silver platter, on top of which was the ugliest dried fish I've ever seen in my life. Heads on, dried eyes still in the sockets. Gaping mouths with rows of tiny sharp looking teeth. And the smell! Gah!

Unfortunately, (more so) my friend happens to be a veggie so it was up to me to make an attempt at eating this fishy foreign feast. It came with a sauce that appeared to be made up of equal parts soy sauce and sliced jalapenos with sesame seeds floating around in it. I waited until I had finished a goodly portion of my second pint from our pitcher before digging in, in an attempt to gather my courage. Finally, in a burst of cultural interest and personal fortitude I reached out and pried a chunk of the fish's flesh from it's dehydrated skin. It crackled and snapped, releasing an odoriferous assault upon us. Quickly, before I could lose my nerve, I dipped it liberally in the sauce and popped it in my mouth. Immediately I regretted this decision. It was wrong. So wrong.

It was so salty and spicy from the sauce that at first I was amazed I couldn't taste any hint of the odour that had so thickly saturated the air around our table. Oh, then it hit me. I gagged, but continued to chew, egged on by the promise of another pitcher of beer if I succeeded in swallowing this malevolent morsel. Attempting to shut out the taste, the smell, and the texture of the fish and, of course, the cacophonic laughter from the far side of the table, I continued to chew and swallow mechanically.

Once it was down, I one shotted my beverage. It did very little to cut the salty, burny, fishy film that seemed to have attached itself to my tongue. I poured another and swished a mouthful. Slightly better. I did it again. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. At last, my throat muscles relaxed and I was past the point of regurgitative danger. Then I smelled my fingers. Why must I do such foolish things?

Korea - Third Month

2007-02-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

Subtitled : A response to culture shock

I look out the window

at the beautiful day

and wish it were raining

How I long for heavy clouds

black with water

to come and hide the sun

How badly I want to live

beneath an oppressive atmosphere

that I can witness with my eyes

Must all my relationships progress this way?

Oppressive

Aggressive

Recession of Joy?

Even my newest mistress

with all her mystery

begins to lose her thrill

Of course, they warned me then

and now they say -

those who say such things

- "The bloom is off the rose"

What is left for me then

but to relish in sticks and thorns?

by Clayton Dean

All That You Love Will Be Carried Away

2007-02-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

I.

In a week or a month you will find that your necklace is gone. That one you bought in a marketplace in some ancient city you have not thought about in years. As for the necklace, you cannot quite remember when you wore it last, only that it was on a date with him. Of course, he is Gone too.

II.

In a year it will be your new kitten. Grown now but still curious, he will find his way beneath the tires of a delivery van or into the jaws of a fox. Or, perhaps, his weak heart will simply give out as he sleeps upon your pillow. Loss need not be Violent.

III.

In five years your father will die. They will tell you that it was some exotic-sounding condition of the arteries and veins. They will say, “if only we had detected it sooner”, “he died quickly with little pain” and, “it is an inheritable condition”… You will never feel Invincible again.

IV.

Two years later you will lose your job and with it will go the lunchtime talks with Debbie. It is not the job you will miss, but somehow you just aren’t able to stay in Touch.

V.

In ten years they cut down the Elm tree on the corner. It’s been there since your grandmother owned this house and you played beneath it as a child. It seemed like the biggest thing in nature until you discovered love. Nothing is bigger than Love, unless it is Loss…

VI.

In twenty years your hair will be grey. Your wrinkles will suddenly seem deeper than before, but perhaps that is just your new glasses. With bifocals, creeping Age is always right before your eyes.

VII.

In thirty years you will pass away. It is not what either of your parents died from; they have pills for those things now. You are hit by a delivery van while reminiscing about a kitten you once owned. You don’t Feel a thing.

VIII.

A few months later your children will sell your house and it will be demolished to make way for a new apartment building. Your favorite watercolor print, “Lilies in the Afternoon”, the only painting to have ever really moved you, will still be on the wall above the stove when the roof comes down. No one will want it.

IX.

Later, much later, a young man will inquire as to the availability of a certain book. It is the collection of short stories you published just after finishing college. He will be saddened to learn that it is out of print and has been for quite some time. Your Work was too colloquial it seems.

X.

Eventually, time and events lose meaning.
All that you love will be carried away.

by Clayton Dean

Title borrowed from the Stephen King short story of the same name.

Adaptation

2007-02-06T06:35:00.000-08:00

While riding the KTX on my way to Hak-hari Jakwangsa*
I am reminded - by the effortless speed of engineered steel -
that there are many paths to enlightenment and knowing

Stasis and silence are rarely catalysts for change

by Clayton dean

*a Buddhist temple located in Daejeon, South Korea that hosts meditation retreats

Change

2007-02-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

I pile my sins like small change
from foreign currencies
Shiny
Hard
Precise
Each one minted
in the same cast
as a million others
And yet special
because it is mine

by Clayton Dean

A Poem

2007-02-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

Awoken from warm dreams
into the cold morning
- into a somnambulant embrace of farewell -
I thanked you
and all the world for providing fortuitous encounters
which
by their ending
leave me saddened

Clayton Dean

Cream

2006-12-19T02:30:00.000-08:00

The only difference......................
.....between the way that..............
..........drops................................
...............of.................................
.................cream.........................
d i f f u s e t h e m s e l v e s............
in a cup of coffee here -.................
.....and the way they do so at home
..........is that you are not here........
...............to make it beautiful........

by Clayton Dean neaD notyalC yb

Please View These Photos

Quote of the Week

2006-12-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

Regarding a new "Christain" Video Game:

"There is killing of course, it is a video game. But the basis of the game is spiritual welfare,"
-Troy Lyndon, CEO of Left Behind Games Inc.

An Excerpt from a Personal Email (with permission)

2006-11-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

My friend was in the middle of a fairly serious personal crisis when she wrote me this email. She was trying to get the day off work and didn't want to divulge the truth of the situation (knowing it and the likely reaction in a Korean school, I don't blame her). Keep all this in mind, also that she was fine physically when this happened, and I think you'll see why I think it's so funny.

"... especially since the reaction I got at my school this morning suggests I wasn't looking my best. First thing they say is "Oh, you no look good." Always my favorite thing to hear first thing in the morning. So, they insisted I go to the doctor which was awkward since I didn't want to share the real reason [I wanted to go home] and my co-teacher had to accompany me and translate made up things about the frequency of bowel movements etc. Now, the whole school will know things that are not really part of the things colleagues need to know. One shot in the butt and an admonition against drinking coffee later (who does this doctor think he is?) and I am at home with the flu. All in all, it worked out well. I am getting used to being humiliated in this country. How about you? How's the day going?"-Anonymous

I just thought my friend's situation was funny enough that it needed to be shared with everyone. It's the kind of thing that seems to happen quite regularly here due to language barriers and differences in culture.

Horoscopes of Late - Courtesy of The Onion

2006-11-07T17:59:00.000-08:00

Taurus -
While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.

The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.

Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.

While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.

While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.

A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.

Rocks Rock

2006-11-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Hello to the Plebeian Masses,

Hey all. I wanted to tell you all about my weekend while the experience was still fresh.

I went on a rock climbing/hiking trip out to Mt. Songnisan Adventure School and Joryungsan in Chungcheongbuk-do. It was fantastic fo rso many reasons that it's hard to know where to start.

First off, the colors of the autumn foliage were amazing. I've never seen this much of a variety of colors nor in such vivid contrast before. It was like someone had gone around with paint and carefully coated each leaf with the brightest, most rich pigments they could find...

Next was the general terrain. I'm all for hiking. I enjoy it and quite like the idea that it's good for me. I have never, however, attempted anything like this hike in my life. It was crazy steep in a number of places and just the slightest misplacement of a foot would have sent you plummeting to almost certain death. It was pretty though.

Finally, the other people that went on the trip were awesome. There were about forty of us and I didn't meet anyone that was less than pleasant. Many were, in fact, far beyond this minimal standard, rating somewhere around the "cooler than you" level of associative compatability. There was wide variety in the type of person too. From 45 year old ex-military to 22 year old anthropology majors. Of course, there was also the wide cultural spectrum that I've come to expect in any gathering of the generalized "westerner" here in Korea. People were from all over, though I was happy to note that the ratio of Canadians was somewhat higher on this outdoors trip than it is in the general ex-pat population of Seoul. Go Canadian Hikers!

Anyway, this hiking trip was one of the best I've ever gone on and the pictures I got were well worth the effort of climbing. You can check out all the pics by using the link to my photos page, located to the right --->

Hopefull, this weekend will have served as a good warm-up, because I'm heading off to Seoraksan National Park next weekend with the same travel club (but mostly different people). It is, by accounts from those who have gone, one of the most beautiful areas in Korea... "world-class hiking".

I cannot wait.

Pics of Me at Play

2006-10-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

Just Catching You Up

2006-10-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been another week and I’m really having a hard time believing that I’ve been here for two months already. It just doesn’t seem like it at all. I guess I’ve been keeping really busy though…

Last week I finally went to go check out the Rocky Mountain Tavern, which is a Canadian owned and operated pub in Seoul. It was a pretty good place to sit and watch a Hockey game (they show all the NHL games for free) and they serve homemade potato chips (not fries, chips). It’s really cool because most of the ‘Western’ style pubs are just Korean Hofs (bars) that play American music and sell a few imported beers. They never seem top get the ambiance right. This place though, it was just like stepping into a pub on Whyte Ave.

I went there with a friend of a friend and we just kind of hung out and chatted. He was telling me about his experiences in the American Peace Corps (my friend was in it too, both in Mongolia) and it seems like something I’d be interested in looking into. Of course, I’d have to go with the British version because the Americans keep a pretty exclusive club, but I’m interested nonetheless. It’s not something I’ve really considered before.

The next night we went to Jay-Z at Olympic Park. It was a pretty good show and we found a bar afterward that was awesome. It’s called “Woodstock” and the DJ there will take requests for old rock and roll songs (some of which he plays on the original vinyl). When I got up in the morning I ended going to my first-ever Korean Language lesson. It didn’t totally suck… it was pretty boring though. I hope my classes aren’t that bad…

Tonight a group of us are going back to Butterfingers to try the mystery dessert, “The Grand Dragon”. There’s no real description of what this thing is, just a promise that it’s huge and has a little bit of something for every possible sweet tooth. I hope there’s chocolate in and/or on it...

I finlly got invited out by my co-workers and we went out for Pork BBQ last night (Korean Style). It was really good food, but I didn't expect tto have to drink tht much at a dinner with my principal. People kept giving me shots of Soju (rice vodka @ 20.1%apv) and saying "one shot" or "bottom up". I think they got a kick out of it because those are two of the few English phrases many of these guys know. But, I just made them keep up with me and we were soon on our way home.

I’ve also started reading my Evolutionary Psychology book and it’s a really good one. It's giving me lots of things to think about and providing some interesting perspectives from which to view certain human behaviors. One of the best things I’ve read so far is the discussion of monogamous versus polygynous pair-bonding systems and the evolutionary implications of each. There are some really counter-intuitive theories on this topic that are finding a lot of support in various studies. It's really very interesting.

Anyway, I’m still alive over here and still having a good time. Nobody’s dropping bombs yet, so I guess I’ll stay a while longer at least…

Ever Had One of These Days?

2006-10-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

“So, I burned a CD last night to play for my kids while they cut out their damned cards and didn't even think about screening the songs before i played them. You don't even think about how dirty "My humps" is until you play it for a class of Korean 6th graders and their teacher.”
– A Friend

For those too cultured (old) to know this song, you can Google "My Humps Lyrics Black-eyed Peas" and find out just what my friend is talking about. I take no responsibility, there's a reason I'm not posting them.

All I can say to my friend, "Good one, Sunshine."

Buttons, Paintball and Coffee

2006-10-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it was another good weekend in Seoul. I drank copious amounts of coffee and a moderate amount of beer, made buttons, ate pancakes with bacon, hashbrowns, and a sausage patty, watched movies, danced, bought books and tickets to see Jay-Z, went paintballing and just generally had a good time. Oh, and I sat on a giant finger (I’ll try and post a picture).

The paintball was good except that their course is comprised mostly of chestnut trees that have dropped those spiky casings all over the ground. Not exactly a good place to crawl around avoiding enemy fire. I’m still picking slivers out of my left palm on Tuesday afternoon.

The button making was fun. We did it at Bricx so we could hit the hookahs again and have a few drinks to lubricate our creative contraptions. I think that the favorite I walked away with is “You’ll regret that when the Messiah comes.” I made one for myself that reads, in Korean, “I’m Lost!” I figured it might come in handy at some point and, let’s face facts- it’s accurate in some sense at least half of the time.

The western stlye breakfast was sooooooo good after my steady fare of yogurt and granolas bars. The pancakes were fluffy, the syrup was maple and the bacon was cooked to exactly the right level of crisp. Oh, and free refills on coffee (never happens). Oh, and it was real coffee. Most of the time here, unless you go to a “foofy” (Sommer’s word) coffee shop like Starbucks or something, you can only get instant coffee. Sometimes I almost cry thinking about how long it will be until I can take that first sip from a Tim Horton’s Extra Large Triple Triple.

I bought a couple books in the English (foreign) section of a bookstore downtown too. I got one about evolutionary psychology called “The Moral Animal” which seeks to explain the evolutionary basis for human relationships and thought processes. I’ve talked to some of my friends about these ideas before and they’re pretty interesting to think about. Also, I got Michel Foucault’s first book. I can’t remember what the title is off hand. It’s about the creation of the concept of ‘mental illness’ and the ‘asylum’. “Madness and Civilization”, that’s the name, I just Googled it. It also leads into his book, “Discipline and Punish” which deals with the penal system and various instruments of control that have developed within our society. Basically, his philosophies deal with imprisonment, power, and knowledge.

Anyway I’m going to get into these books as soon as I finish the one I’m on now. It’s some thriller called “Vampires”. Guess what it’s about.

An Accurate Conception of Distance

2006-10-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of those seemingly rare lucid moments when the everyday filters open up and I realized, “Holy f\ck man, I’m in Korea!”.

No joke. It’s not so different here that you can’t lull yourself into forgetting that you are, in fact, one full third of the way around the world from where you were born and have lived the vast majority of your life.

The proportions of that are difficult to conceive. To aid in understanding I offer the following…

If it were possible to walk directly from Seoul to Edmonton (I’m well aware that it’s not possible), assuming an average walking speed of 4.7 km/h (an accurate pace) and 12 hours of travel per day (you’d have to be a superhero), it would take 147.78 days to get there. That’s a long time.

Anyway, it is highly gratifying when I experience these moments of clarity and I thought I would share the experience. The exhilaration they bring on, when my chest tightens, my heart races and I laugh giddily (my head spinning with accurate conceptions of distance) is unreal. I fondly remember experiencing the same thing with Gyn in NZ.

I love being here. Even if most of the time I forget that I am.

Pics From Friends

2006-10-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

The Best Advice

2006-10-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

"Just tuck it away. You don't need to forget it or leave it behind. Just put it away in a good place."
- A good friend.

Thank you.

Quote From An American Friend

2006-10-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

"I really wish I had some faith in my president, but I lost that long ago. Now I am just hoping that he chokes on another pretzel before he does any more damage." - R.H.

My Holiday by Clayton Dean

2006-10-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow (Monday) is the last day of my Chusok holiday and it has been a great time. It started on Friday night with a violin recital at the Seoul Arts Centre with Tracy, one of my new Seoul friends. One of the other teachers at the school was nice enough to give me free tickets and, although classical music is not my supreme favorite, it was an enjoyable evening.
We woke up the next day at five thirty and headed off for a free trip to the bamboo forests of Damyang where we attended a traditional music festival and got to do a tour of the area. The bus ride was really long but I slept almost the entire way so it was fine. The bamboo forests were really beautiful and made a lovely sound whenever the breeze stirred in the leaves overhead. Coupled with the scent of green tea, which is often grown in these forests, the atmosphere was quite serene. Later in the evening we also got to do a short tour of an old garden where we were treated to another traditional music performance. Unfortunately, I was unable to take my camera with me on this trip, so I’ll have to steal some pictures from Michael and Tracy to put up for you guys.
On Tuesday I joined a group of SMOE teachers on a walk through one of the larger palace complexes in Seoul. It was a good group and the palace was pretty amazing with old traditional style buildings, watercourses, beautiful trees, and a lovely greenhouse. There are pictures of this available on my Flickr site.
The following day a bunch of us went out to the Korean Folk Village in Suwon, about a two hour subway ride away from where I live. We spent the day checking out a traditional Korean village and watching performances by acrobats, dancers, musicians, and trick riders. The scenery at the village was really beautiful. There was also a World Museum on site that was pretty odd in that the perception of certain cultures is much different here than it is at home. Oh, and I rode a dinosaur.
Thursday was a caffiene-fueled full day of rides, games and food-on-a-stick at Lotte World, apparently the largest indoor amusement park in the world. It was wild. I haven’t been on any rides like that in a long time and many of these surpassed my limited experiences of WEM’s Galaxyland and the odd county fair. One of my favorites was the Gyro Swing which was (you could probably guess by the name) a huge swinging and spinning contraption to which are fastened approximately forty willing individuals. At apex you’re probably a good eighty feet off the ground and moving sideways. Too much fun! I missed out on the mechanical bull though and was thoroughly disappointed. We got there at about 11:00 am and almost shut the park down, leaving at 10:30 p.m. What a day!
I took Friday to relax and watch some downloaded movies, play some guitar and just generally recover from all the excitement. Then, last night, we went to Skunk Hell, a punk bar down in Hangdae where a bunch of local bands were putting on a show. We stayed for three or four of the bands and then headed off to Brix where we just relaxed, ate hummus, and smoked a hookah (mmmm, strawberry smoke). The night ended with a slumber party at Tracy’s apartment where we watched a break dancing competition until the wee hours of the morning before finally going to sleep.
It’s been a great week and I’ve already got more plans lined up for weekends later on. Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving back home,
Me.

A Quote From Gottfried Keller

2006-10-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

"Everything in it's time. A little passion today, a little rest and reflection tomorrow - each is good in it's way. This prison is not so bad at all, and certainly something useful can be thought up in it." - Title Character from Spiegel the Cat

More Animated Carnage

2006-09-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

Hello,

For those of you who enjoyed the chickens...

I Bring You -
JOE CARTOON!

I'll warn you though - If you didn't think the chickens were funny, don't go to Joe.
(Sorry Myrna)

http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/noblood_anim

To see more check out the link to the right, just under the 'My Pics' link.

Doo Doo doodoo doodoo Doo Doo Doo Doo

2006-09-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

That's the sound of me sitting at my desk.

I was told this morning when I got to work that today is sports day rehersal (I'm not entirely sure what this sports day is or who they're rehearsing for) and I have no lessons to teach. So far I have spent the entire morning searching various websites for free animated clipart so that I can make interesting and entertaining PowerPoint presentations for my classes. It has not been entirely devoid of entainment value. Check out this chicken.

Disclaimer: No actual chickens were harmed in the creation of this posting. The editor of this blog accepts no responsibility for trauma, (physical, psychological, or otherwise) resulting from the use of the links contained herein.

Anyway, that's what I've been doing today. I have gone out and taken a look at the sports day rehersal a few times, but I don't really know what it's all about. There's lots of loud music, including "Baby Elephant Walk" (Doo Doo doodoo doodoo Doo Doo Doo Doo), and lot's of kids dancing around. I think I've heard a starter's pistol a few times from my desk, but have yet to actually see a race. Maybe they're just 'eliminating' the kids who can't get the dance steps right.

In fact, I haven't actually seen anything 'sporty' about sports day. Maybe something was lost in translation...

I love this, someone just came by my desk and told me that Friday is the actual sports day and I won't have any classes then either. At this rate I should be able to have a months worth of lesson plans built up by the end of the week. Oh what, oh what will I do with my extra time? Probably look for more chicken animations...

Things To Do...

2006-09-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Everybody,

Just thought I'd put up a post and let you know about a few of the activities I have kind of got planned for the next little while. I still haven't planned for activities during my six days off during the Chusok holiday though (Korean Thanksgiving).

One of my new peeps, Tracy, told me about a free trip out to Damyang yesterday and it sounds totally cool so I signed up for that one. It's a trip out to a cultural music festival in some of the largest bamboo forests in Korea. Check out their description. http://www.seoulselection.com/notification_read.html?cid=3482

I've also found a pretty cool travel group called Adventure Korea and I'm signed up for a few of their trips too, if I can figure out how to transfer funds at an ATM anyway. So far, I'm planning on going paintballing, doing hikes in a National Park and going rock climbing. Check out the site if you want to see more information.
www.adventurekorea.com/

Hopefully, it's all as much fun as it sounds.

A Lyrical Favorite

2006-09-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

Something has to change
Un-deniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear

Constant
Over
Stimulation
Numbs me

But I would not want
You any other way

Cause
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy

I said
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe
To feel
To know I'm alive

-TOOL (MJK)

A New Poem

2006-09-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

Adam's Apple

Sometimes I feel it
as a lump
in my throat

This intangible guilt -
a punishment
for deeds done rashly

I am reminded of sins
as I choke on this fruit -
this catalyst of reason

-Clayton Dean

All You Can Eat and Drink - 22, 000 won

2006-09-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful thing...
About fifty of the SMOE teachers got together at a place called Carne Station in Seoul. For about $25.00 CAN we got to eat from a well stocked buffet and drink from a self serve bar. It was really cool because it was in the traditional Korean style, in that we cooked all the meat and stuff on a communal BBQ which was set into the middle of each of the tables. I ate so much beef that I think I might actually go veggie for a week or two. Oh, and I made a float. It was good.

Afterward, a bunch of us went bar-hopping and at the behest of Tim, the guy in the tightie whities from an earlier post, ended up at an 80s Prom-themed party with a couple of live bands. It was one of the oddest bar experiences that I've ever taken part in. We're in Korea, but the bar is full of westerners. It's 2006, but everyone is dressed as if it's 1986. The music was mostly the poppy fluff from that era, but all the guys in the band were dressed in punk clothes. Looking around at all the white folks you would have sworn you weren't in Korea, but the odd decor and ambiance reminded you otherwise. It was a good time.

There were other bars as well, but those were the only ones truly noteworthy.

Picpoem

2006-09-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hollow Fingers

I remember your cold wet fingers
and how my skin sang
with each touch.

I cannot forget
- though I have not tried -
that those members were hollow.

How much I longed
to warm their skins
and fill them with feeling.

Those insensate reconnoiters of flesh -
leading the assault against reason.

Photo and Poem by
Clayton Dean

Reasons It's Nice To Have a Job

2006-09-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

I got my first check today and I'm quite pleased with the result. There were, asdmittedly, a few surprises. Pension contributions for instance, about two hundred dollars a month (but you get it back at the end of the year). And housing deposit of like six-fifty (also returnable).

My favorite thing is that I'm paying for my lunches at school (all you can eat rice and kimchi with soup and elaborate sides). It runs about two bucks a day. If I was eating in a restaraunt they would easily be $8-10 meals, I just ate one and trust me, I'm full.

After all the deductions (tax, Med. Ins, more tax), I'm making almost as much as I did working at the lumber mill eight years ago. But most days I love my job and unless I'm severely negligent I'll never lose a finger in a piece of industrial equipment. Life is good (especially when you don't have to pay rent).

I am happy to be paying student loans. Going back to school was one of my best decisions ever.

Zhang Zae Moat

2006-09-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk with one of my homeroom teachers this evening. She took me out to the Zhang Zae Moat (probably spelled wrong) and we took a circuit walk that last about forty-five minutes.

It's the first touristy thing I've really done and was impressed by the beauty of the faux natural scenery along the way. It was a little difficult to get really good pics, but I managed to get a few.

I've got a holiday stretch of about six days coming up for Chusok (Korean Thanksgiving(probably spelled wrong)) and I think I might head out and do a few day hikes in the mountains around Seoul. Some of my new friends have gone out and the pics they've brought back are pretty breathtaking. I can't wait!

A Debate

2006-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

“It’s a shame when things don’t work out the way that you had envisioned them. When you can look at your life and everything that you see there is unintended. Perhaps you got distracted at some point and failed to realize that all those things that you had been working toward were slipping farther and farther away. Possibly, some bright new prospect caught your eye. And, although you knew that to pursue this attraction would mean losing ground on your true journey, you went toward it. It doesn’t really matter how you got here. Here you are.”

“It’s a grand thing when life furnishes you with surprises. When you look at your life and everything that you see there is unintended. When you can hold in your mind the malleability to adapt and take advantage of each situation that you encounter. When you can exhibit the courage to take hold of bright new prospects and pursue them, heedless of the losses you are sure to incur. You know that the journey is truth itself. It doesn’t matter where you go. Only how you get there.”

Korean Poetry

2006-09-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

I bought a book of Korean Poetry on the first day I was in my new apartment. It has both the original Korean and the translated English on facing pages, much like the copy of Beowulf I borrowed from Davyd and read a few years ago. The author is a Nun in the Christian Church, Sr. Claudia Hae In Lee. Translation from Koren by Jinsup Kim.

Many of the poems in the book, entitled, Snow Flower Songs: Lyrics of Nature, have moved me greatly and helped me reflect on my life in some meaningful way. This is just one such example. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

A Trumpet Vine's Love Song

Missing you
On a day like today,
My heart quivers.

Although rude to neighboring trees,
I unconciously climb higher and higher
As my yearning tendrils reach out
Ceaselessly.

I believe
You will fortify me enough
To control myself.

Rather than words of praise from others,
It is your silently burning eyes
That inspire my prayers,
And it is love
Whereon my entire life hangs.
-Sr. Claudia In Hae Lee

A Quote From Fyodor Dostoevsky

2006-09-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

I started reading Notes From the Underground by Dostoevsky early in the week. So far it's pretty good. Strange in numerous ways, but good.

"Destroy my desires, eradicate my ideals, show me something better, and I will follow you. You may say I'm not worth bothering with; in that case, I can say exactly the same to you. We are talking seriously. And if you do not deign to give me your attention, I will not bow before you. I have my underground." - Anonymous Narrator

An Old Poem

2006-09-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Looking through your eyes
I see the world in shades of grey
There's nothing left to catch the eye-
All beauty's gone astray

A rose is nothing but a plant
A peacock but a bird
And through your ears
It seems I hear
That love is but a word
-Clayton Dean

"Ramayana" Relief in Wood

2006-09-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Some Excerpts From Individual Emails

2006-09-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

"When I was sitting in my Renaissance Drama class, or writing a paper on the Biblical allusions in the Post-moderns fairy tales of Robert Coover it never once crossed my mind that I'd one day be in Seoul, South Korea drawing and coloring flash cards to teach a group of elementary students to sing "Alice the Camel". You know how hard it is to get the proportions right on a camel with five humps? Do you?!"

"Yesterday I got to sing, dance and do sign language for three hours while learning childrens songs like long legge'd sailor and the lion king theme song it was fun."

"My apartment is awesome."

"Grades 3-4 are kind of surreal actually. I feel like a really lame gameshow host or something."

"...And then I woke up on a couch in an apartment that, although it looked eerily like my own, was not my own. The couch was white instead of brown and there was a fat, hairy, middle-aged man in tighty-whities sprawled less than magestically on the floor."

"They did the ceremony and then we ate the cakes (dry and ricey) and drank a couple bottles of Macarai (rice whiskey, yes, it's every bit as good as it sounds). It's kind of like if you watered down real whiskey with the water that you boiled rice in,or put whiskey into rice pudding maybe."

"Oh, you want some humour? I couldn't read the instructions on my clothes iron and ended up leaving it on all day and melting it and the stand it sits on. I'm sure I just about burned down my apartment. He he. Whoops!"

"Remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to divy up a grocery receipt? Try doing it when the receipt is in Korean and the smallest price on the thing is 6,500. Michael and I did just that when we went to Costco the other day. Wheeeee!"

"I'll just end by saying that, so far, my job is pretty easy, living is cheap and fun is plentiful."

Hello Everyone

2006-09-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have just created this site so that I can keep you posted on my experiences. You will no doubt find pictures, poems, perhaps even short stories and the like as this page develops. But, right now it's 12:11am and I've got to go to school tomorrow and teach fourth grade so, "bye!"